This is my 3rd Christmas without family. Without the thrill of waking up Christmas morning and heading to my parents to open presents and have a yummy brekky made by my dad. The 3rd Christmas I won't sit around a dinner table with my grand-parents, aunts, uncles & cousins and listen to the same jokes that i've heard for the past 27 years.
It's the 3rd Christmas I didn't want to put a tree up. The 3rd Christmas I get knots in my stomach leading up to the actual day.
This is the 3rd Christmas that I will try my very best to make the best out of it just for the girls.
My birthday is the 26th. Always made special and we've always gone out to dinner. Even though we are all still stuffed to the brim from the day before, we always go out for dinner.
This is the 3rd birthday in a row that I won't go out for dinner. The 3rd birthday in a row that won't be made special for me by my mom. The 3rd birthday in a row that I won't wake up and have the phone call from my grandparents singing happy birthday.
It's the 16th of December and the decorations are still sitting in the box next to the tree. The cards I ordered are sitting there and haven't been written in or sent out. The wreath is there but not on the door. The left over wrapping paper and scotch tape are there but no presents bought yet to wrap.
I'm in denial. If I didn't have kids, I would skip Christmas all together. I don't enjoy it anymore. To me it means stress, anxiety and sadness.
But, I will make the absolute best of it for the girls' sake. They deserve that and as their mama I will provide that for them.