My Secret

I have a secret. 

I've had this secret since November 2010

I've contemplated putting it out there but haven't had the courage as of yet

Since this Blog is about me, my life, my adventures, I thought it would only be fair that I put ALL of me out there.  I'm afraid of being perceived as weak and unable. 

If you've read back into some of my archives, and if you know me, you know that I moved to Australia in June of 2009 from Toronto, Ontario Canada.  Every single person in my family lives in Ontario.  I don't have any family members of my own here.  I do have my Mother-in-law here and have made some amazing friends that help me out tremendously, for which I am so extremely grateful for. 

Hubs left in March of 09, and I lived with my parents for 3 months until the 3rd of June when Eve and I left.  That 3 months was almost bittersweet.  I was trying to savour every single second I could spend with my family and Eve could spend with my mom.  Eve and my mom have a bond that cannot be broken.  It was bittersweet because whilst I was trying to savour our time, I was also excited to see Hubs and get my new life started here. 

In my lifetime I have seen my mother cry I think twice.  I can't remember the first time, but I will never forget the second time.  it was when I pretty much had to rip Eve from her arms on the day we left and hearing her through her tears say "just take her".  I will never ever ever forget that moment.  My grandma cried to break her heart when we left too, and I will never forget the look on her face. 

I was exactly 20 weeks pregnant with Lilah when I boarded my United flight from Toronto to LA then onto Melbourne.  It was a pretty good flight, and Eve was so good.  24 hours later I arrived in Australia and met up with Hubs after not seeing eachother for 3 months.  That moment again was bittersweet.  I was excited to start my new life here and happy to see Hubs but so extremely sad for all the hurt i'd left behind.  I knew my mom and family were back in Canada with broken hearts and here I was with a smile on my face.  The guilt from that will never leave me.

I sailed through the last 20 weeks of my pregnancy with Lilah and delivered her very quickly on her due date - October 22nd.  That moment again was bittersweet.  My new, healthy baby girl came out and the room was silent.  She didn't cry right away.  My midwives said she was probably stunned from how quick her delivery was and it took her a few minutes to cry.  I wished so much that my mom could have been there as she was for Eve's birth to share in such a joyous moment.  Ofcourse Hubs was there and we were so happy and thrilled to have this beautiful 7.12 pound baby, but I was missing someone. 

Once Lilah was born things started going downhill.  I started feeling sad, and crying alot.  I just plugged through it and carried on.  I had no choice.  I was a mother of 2 young children, and had to do what had to be done.  Time passed, and Christmas passed and all the while I was trying to keep my happy face on for the girls and Hubs.  Eve started Kinder in Feb 2010, and loved it.  Lilah grew and flourished. 

My sister came to visit me in April of 2010.  She was here for 1 month and it was the best month I had had since I moved to Australia.  When she left, the sadness set in 10 fold.  It was almost worse then when I left the previous June.  The sadness started to hit harder.  The crying was worse.  I became consumed with guilt and got extremely moody and had no desire to get out of bed in the mornings.  I started snapping at the kids for things that were really ridiculous.  I snapped at Hubs all the time for silly things.  I found just going to the store to get bread and milk a daunting task.  I hated myself.  I hated myself & my life. 

I tried to make the best of things and maintain a composure for the outside world while I was dying inside.  I kept it together for the most part but would crumble at the drop of a hat.  My life was shattering around  me and I couldn't stop it.  I was desperate to see the light and see the bright side of things but was unable to do so.   It wasn't until I started resenting the girls that I knew something was wrong.  I knew I had to do something.

I made a doctors appointment to speak to my GP about how I was feeling.  I told her everything, and boy it felt good to get it out.  She said that I had a case of depression and needed to go on medication.   I was hesitant to start meds because I was scared.  I was weak and scared.  I was in my darkest moment.  My doc put me on 50MG and said to come back in 2 weeks. 

Within 2 weeks I felt so much better.  Actually, I felt better than better.  I felt like I could conquer the world.  My GP said that could happen and feeling emotionless could happen.  A few weeks later I came off that high ride, and back to reality but felt more capable of dealing with life. 

It's 8 months down the track and I am still on the medication.  I will go off of it soon and i'm scared.  I'm really scared.  I'm scared of what will happen.  I'm scared of feeling that desperation that I felt before.  I'm trying to work my way through this thing called life and see the positive things.  I have everything to be thankful for and be positive about. 

I feel better now that this is out there.  Judge of you want, but now you know all of me - including the good, bad and the ugly.  Right now I am happy :)