The reason i'm not pregnant with #3

Hubs and I always said we were having 3 children.  
My pregnancy with Eve was pretty smooth sailing.  I went 2 days over-due with her, had a pretty normal labour until the delivery.  It was rough.  I was close to having a C-Section and in fact they had Hubs change into scrubs because they were pretty sure I was headed back to the OR.  
After over 3.5 hours of pushing and some vacuum assistance, Eve was finally born.  She weighed in at 8 pounds 5 ounces.  Eve was a dream baby.  She slept through the night from 5 weeks, and was so content.  She hardly cried, I could take her anywhere and she would sleep anywhere.  
As you may have read in this post, I struggled with my wight during and after my pregnancy.  But that didn't stop me from wanting a second child.  I knew I was ready and wanted my second baby.  
When Eve was 2, we started trying and it took 16 months and 3 rounds of clomid to conceive Lilah.  I was baffled as to why we were having an infertility issue when it was so easy to have Eve.  Those long 16 months made me want my second child even more.  
(I know to some of you it may not seem that 16 months of trying isn't an "infertility issue", but to us it was, and I do apologize if any of you are struggling to conceive)
In Feb of 2009 we were stoked to find out we were finally expecting our next little peanut.  Near the end of my pregnancy with Eve I got really bad Sciatic problems and from the first day I was pregnant with Lilah the problems came back.  I did Bowen therapy, physio everything you could think of to try and cope with the constant pain and limp I had from the Sciatic pain.
This is a picture of me about 24 weeks pregnant with Lilah;(I don't have any pictures handy of when I was pregnant with Eve as the old computer crashed)

other than my sciatic problems, my pregnancy was once again smooth sailing.  
This next picture was taken about 24 hours before I had Lilah;

I know - HUMONGOUS!!!
My delivery with Lilah was MUCH different to say the least than Eve's was!.  Total time from first contraction to her delivery was 1 hour and 29 minutes.  Yeah, I know - UNREAL!.  When  you have a delivery like that and just and I mean just make it to the hospital and deliver your baby in an exam room, it kinda scares you!.  I didn't have time for any pain meds, nothing - in fact, I still had 1 pant leg on!.  
But despite Lilah's speedy arrival, she was healthy and perfect

Lilah weighed in at 7 pounds 12 ounces - we don't make em' small ;)
I will never forget the moment my 2 girls met.

It was a moment that made my entire heart melt.  At that moment I felt a sense of complete.  I by no means was thinking about a 3rd child then!.  Not after the chaos of Lilah's delivery!
Lilah was a different baby than Eve.  She was a bit more needy and needed more attention.  She was a sleeping monster!.  She would wake every hour to 2 hours every.single.night. until she was 10 months!.  I didn't have a full nights sleep for over a year!.  She needed a lot more soothing to sleep where as Eve was happy to be wrapped up and put in her crib and she would coo herself to sleep.  
Then the depression set in.  You can read all about that in this post.
It's not fun and it hasn't been an easy road for me.  Moving over-seas, and a baby all within 6 months was traumatic.  I don't think I've recovered from all of that yet.  I lived with my depression for a year - hiding it and hurting myself and the people I love by lashing out and it had to stop.
I'm scared to go back to being pregnant.  I scared of the sciatic flaring up again.  I'm scared of another delivery like Lilah's and i'm scared of the depression.  In fact - i'm terrified  of the depression.  
It's not that I don't want another child, I'm scared to have another child.  I keep hoping that I will be ready at some stage, but as of yet I haven't felt that urge and that itch that needs to be scratched.  I see newborn babies, and have very recently held a newborn baby and while he was beautiful and perfect, I didn't feel that itch.  I felt "thank goodness it's her and not me" feeling.  
I'm scared that all of this has made me resent being pregnant?  I'm unsure really how I feel about it - but I do know that right now I don't feel ready for our 3rd child.