Lately I...

...have been feeling worn out and worn down.
As you may or may not know is that I struggle with depression.  Depression is not a choice  - it's a clinical disease.  

I didn't choose to be depressed.  It happened.  I recognized it and spoke to my doctor about it.  She recommended medication and I have been on medication for a year.  I can only hope and trust in my heart that one day I will be better and be able to live life without the dependency of medication.  Read this post please.  That post explains a lot about how my life is right now if you're new here.  
I don't write this post easily.  This is tough for me.  Some of you may have already clicked off this post, but my true readers and friends will stick it out and read until the end.  
Theres a lot of things that have led to my depression.  Moving overseas in 2009 at 20 weeks pregnant with a 3 year old, quiting my long time job, leaving my friends and family have definitely contributed to my depression.  Read this post to get acquainted on how I came about living overseas.  
I left my family.  A family that is close.  Honestly, typing that makes me shutter.  

This is the perfect definition of my family.  We may not be perfect or as "ethical" as others, but we are accepting of others and treat them as if they are our own.  We would never dream of making them feel like an outcast.  We would never make them feel as if they are beneath us or question their morality.  That's just not the way our family works.  
It kills me each and every single day that I can't be close to my family.  I miss that feeling of closeness each and every Sunday as we sit around the dinner table. 

I read this quote and it brings me to tears.  I hope this is not true.  I know that when I see my family again it will be as if not 1 second has past since I saw them last.  I have a best friend.  Her name is Elishia.  You can read all about her and our friendship here.  
I believe theres people that "get" you and theres people that "tolerate" you because they have to.  

My family and my best friends "get" me.  They don't judge.  They don't stab me in the back.  They appreciate me for me with all my flaws.  They love me for my flaws.  They understand me.  With them I am part of a family.  I will always be. 
Unfortunately with some others I am not.  I am judged.  I am not appreciated.  I am not accepted.  

I wish some people could grasp this saying.  I wish my apology was enough sometimes.  I wish some people could apologize and mean it. 
I am not perfect.  I am stubborn sometimes.  At times I am not the easiest person to get along with.  But I need to be loved.  Things haven't been easy for me, and sometimes I need a bit more appreciation and understanding.  
I can't be strong all the time.  I am human too, and need love.  I need to feel part of something.  I am on my own. I have learned to make it on my own and be the absolute best I can be for my girls.  To some that is not enough and I face some different opinions on how I raise my girls.  
Sometimes I don't need your opinion, I need your love, understanding and nurturing.  

I can't change people.  This has taken me a long time to learn.  I need to accept people the way they way they are and move on. 
I am such a nurturing person and want to make everyone happy.  I can often come across as "controlling" because of this.  I want everyone to be happy even if it means putting myself out.  
I have faith that I will be ok.  I have faith that I can't change things, and that it is ok.  

I make the choice right now that I want to be in better place.  I want to be rid of all the negativity in my life.  Theres a lot of negativity in my life that I just can't avoid.  BUT, I can make the choice to ignore it and be the best I can be for my family and my girls.  

I make the vow right now, to all 600 and something of you, to not let other people dull my sparkle.