Should we?

Should we try for a 3rd child?
That's the question we've been tossing back and forth for a while now.
Some days we think "yes", we will try and others we think "no way".

Hubs and I have been blessed with 2 healthy little girls. 
I had good pregnancies without any complications, and was able to deliver both of my girls naturally.
Can a girl really ask for anymore?.  I know a lot of people and read a lot of babyloss blogs and they unfortunately can't say the same.  My heart truly goes out to them and I couldn't imagine going through what they have. 

Hubs and I have always said we'd like to have 3.  We got pregnant easily with Eve and just before she turned 2 we decided to try for the second child.  It took 14 months and 3 rounds of Clomid to conceive Lilah.  I couldn't understand why it was taking so  long when we practically threw our knickers in the same wash load and conceived Eve!.  We tried for 6 solid months and then I went to the doc.  My GP suggested to do 3 rounds of clomid and hopefully that would bring a positive result.  So after 3 months of Clomid we still weren't pregnant.  I was dumbfounded.  I would have practically cut off my limbs to be pregnant at that point. 

It was December 2008 and we decided to make the move over seas here to Aussie land, and had also decided to stop trying until we were here and settled.  Well the next  month we were pregnant.  I was beside myself with joy and happiness.  I truly think it was the fact that we weren't focused on it, and I didn't (although I wanted to) chart my temperature once that cycle.  Now, I'm not by any means saying that if you stop focusing on it, that it will happen.  And I'm sorry for any of my readers that are going through the same thing.  That is just how it happened for me.

Once my beautiful Little Lilah Lulu was born, I was instantly in love.  I of course wondered while I was pregnant if it was possible to love another like you love your current child.  But trust me - you can and you do. 

To say it was difficult for me after I had Lilah would be an understatement.  You can read all about that HERE. 

I have a job I love now, and balance in my life.  I feel like "me" again.  Having my 2 girls is good.  So to go back and have a 3rd is extremely scary for me because I'm in total fear of loosing "me" again.  I'm scared of falling into the deep hole I was in.  I'm scared of not being able to cope.  Of course I love babies and would be so blessed to have a 3rd child no doubt, but am I asking for too much?.  Would it push me over the edge?. 

Lately I feel more like a referee to the girls than their mother!.  Those are the moments I think to myself 'What if I was refereeing these fights over crayons and how Lilah took Eve's fork with a baby latched onto me or screaming". 

I suppose I've just sort of answered my own question haven't I?.  It appears through reading this that right now I am just not ready.  Perhaps in time I will be?