Tuesday, June 14, 2011

My Secret

I have a secret. 
I've had this secret since November 2010
I've contemplated putting it out there but haven't had the courage as of yet
Since this Blog is about me, my life, my adventures, I thought it would only be fair that I put ALL of me out there.  I'm afraid of being perceived as weak and unable. 

If you've read back into some of my archives, and if you know me, you know that I moved to Australia in June of 2009 from Toronto, Ontario Canada.  Every single person in my family lives in Ontario.  I don't have any family members of my own here.  I do have my Mother-in-law here and have made some amazing friends that help me out tremendously, for which I am so extremely grateful for. 

Hubs left in March of 09, and I lived with my parents for 3 months until the 3rd of June when Eve and I left.  That 3 months was almost bittersweet.  I was trying to savour every single second I could spend with my family and Eve could spend with my mom.  Eve and my mom have a bond that cannot be broken.  It was bittersweet because whilst I was trying to savour our time, I was also excited to see Hubs and get my new life started here. 

In my lifetime I have seen my mother cry I think twice.  I can't remember the first time, but I will never forget the second time.  it was when I pretty much had to rip Eve from her arms on the day we left and hearing her through her tears say "just take her".  I will never ever ever forget that moment.  My grandma cried to break her heart when we left too, and I will never forget the look on her face. 

I was exactly 20 weeks pregnant with Lilah when I boarded my United flight from Toronto to LA then onto Melbourne.  It was a pretty good flight, and Eve was so good.  24 hours later I arrived in Australia and met up with Hubs after not seeing eachother for 3 months.  That moment again was bittersweet.  I was excited to start my new life here and happy to see Hubs but so extremely sad for all the hurt i'd left behind.  I knew my mom and family were back in Canada with broken hearts and here I was with a smile on my face.  The guilt from that will never leave me.

I sailed through the last 20 weeks of my pregnancy with Lilah and delivered her very quickly on her due date - October 22nd.  That moment again was bittersweet.  My new, healthy baby girl came out and the room was silent.  She didn't cry right away.  My midwives said she was probably stunned from how quick her delivery was and it took her a few minutes to cry.  I wished so much that my mom could have been there as she was for Eve's birth to share in such a joyous moment.  Ofcourse Hubs was there and we were so happy and thrilled to have this beautiful 7.12 pound baby, but I was missing someone. 

Once Lilah was born things started going downhill.  I started feeling sad, and crying alot.  I just plugged through it and carried on.  I had no choice.  I was a mother of 2 young children, and had to do what had to be done.  Time passed, and Christmas passed and all the while I was trying to keep my happy face on for the girls and Hubs.  Eve started Kinder in Feb 2010, and loved it.  Lilah grew and flourished. 

My sister came to visit me in April of 2010.  She was here for 1 month and it was the best month I had had since I moved to Australia.  When she left, the sadness set in 10 fold.  It was almost worse then when I left the previous June.  The sadness started to hit harder.  The crying was worse.  I became consumed with guilt and got extremely moody and had no desire to get out of bed in the mornings.  I started snapping at the kids for things that were really ridiculous.  I snapped at Hubs all the time for silly things.  I found just going to the store to get bread and milk a daunting task.  I hated myself.  I hated myself & my life. 

I tried to make the best of things and maintain a composure for the outside world while I was dying inside.  I kept it together for the most part but would crumble at the drop of a hat.  My life was shattering around  me and I couldn't stop it.  I was desperate to see the light and see the bright side of things but was unable to do so.   It wasn't until I started resenting the girls that I knew something was wrong.  I knew I had to do something.

I made a doctors appointment to speak to my GP about how I was feeling.  I told her everything, and boy it felt good to get it out.  She said that I had a case of depression and needed to go on medication.   I was hesitant to start meds because I was scared.  I was weak and scared.  I was in my darkest moment.  My doc put me on 50MG and said to come back in 2 weeks. 

Within 2 weeks I felt so much better.  Actually, I felt better than better.  I felt like I could conquer the world.  My GP said that could happen and feeling emotionless could happen.  A few weeks later I came off that high ride, and back to reality but felt more capable of dealing with life. 

It's 8 months down the track and I am still on the medication.  I will go off of it soon and i'm scared.  I'm really scared.  I'm scared of what will happen.  I'm scared of feeling that desperation that I felt before.  I'm trying to work my way through this thing called life and see the positive things.  I have everything to be thankful for and be positive about. 

I feel better now that this is out there.  Judge of you want, but now you know all of me - including the good, bad and the ugly.  Right now I am happy :)


Nina @ Momma Go Round said...

You are too hard on yourself! I can't imagine how hard it must have been to move so far, know no one, and have kiddo in tow. I'm too afraid to move 45 minutes from my family and friends!

I think it is awesome of you to share your story and your journey. I have two family members on meds too and it has changed everything for them. I think if more people could be like you and share their story it wouldn't be so stigmatized or scary!

Jen said...

You are so brave to share this! I was put on meds after my second was born, and I'm still on them. He just turned one. I tried going off the meds, and felt overwhelmed. Good for you!!

Dani said...

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time and I think it's really brave of you to open up like this. I'm really glad to hear you're doing better. Don't beat yourself up about being on medication - the important thing here is your health. Take care and we'll talk soon.

Anonymous said...

I know of what I speak! When you reduce your meds, if all is not right with the world, go right back to your doctor! It may take 4-6 weeks until depression returns, return to your doctor! You may get lucky and feel fine... observe yourself carefully! You are VERY brave!!
good day!!! : )

Logan and Sydney said...

I was placed on anti depressants when I was in middle school. I have been contemplating getting off of them for some time because I am ready to start a family and they could potentially cause birth defects. I am now halfway through the weaning process and other than a few headaches I have been fine. It was not nearly as bad as I had thought it would be. I am doing well. I hope all goes well with you.

Erica @ Acire Adventures said...

I know this post is a little older, but I'm pretty new to your blog and just found it now. Depression is tough stuff. I've been there too. I was on meds and I went off them NO PROBLEMO! I hope that you've been able to move past your rough patch and come out the other end better. I can't even imagine moving to the other side of the world like you did! You are truly one tough cookie, keep on keeping on, ok? And try to forgive yourself for moving away from your family. You are just one person doing what is best for herself and her own family and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. :)


Amanda said...

oh honey! you're so brave for speaking about this, moving across the world, and trying to hard to hold it all together. i'm new to your blog, and i'm so glad i found it! i have a similar story, but just not as huge a move...my family (there's 3 of us) now live in CA, we're going on our 4th year. we moved from FL for a job here for my hubby. it's JUST the 3 of us. everyone else is on the east coast of the States. our first holiday's out here...sucked. i tried so hard not to cry through them for my daughter's sake. even tho our family is still within reasonable flying distance, it doesn't mean the money is there to travel as much as we'd like to. i was on meds for a short time after we moved here. normal everyday chores were borderline unbearable. but...with the help of the meds, getting to know some people, having family come visit, and time...i got off the meds. time will make everything easier, but missing your family is really hard. hugs!!!! thanks for sharing so personal of a secret :) xo

Andi said...

Wow...relate, relate, relate. I'm so proud of you for going to your doctor. As women we tend to think we are invincible and as mothers we tend to feel like we have to do it all and do it on our own. I had to go on meds a few times. (Ironically I've been off since my divorce) (So much more to that story Ha!) But my husband now made a deal with me that if he feels I need that bit of extra help he will, in his soft manner, tell me and we can go from there. A chemical imbalance can last for a month or the rest of your life and stress definitely adds.

It might help to keep a personal journal. Sometimes just reading back on my thoughts and moods I can see the changes in myself. (good or bad)

Good for you to have taken the reigns to climb back up to your "happy" potential!

AlyceB said...

Wow. *hugs* There's a possibilty of us moving to Japan next year for 2 years. And I am s#!t scared that similar might happen to me, away from all my family, in a country where I barely know any of the language, etc. Kudos to you!! And when we're in Melbs in Oct, maybe we can catch up?

Lindsay said...

Im a new follower of your blog! Your story is so powerful! Thank you for sharing your heart :)

Kim @ Kim's Kreations said...

Just read this post. Love it! Not how you are(or were) feeling, but that you shared such a deep part of yourself for everyone to read. My parents moved across the country right after I got married (2 years now) and I was very emotional at first. I felt guilty for marrying someone and staying here. Not only was I trying to figure out the married, working full time, living with someone thing, I also didn't have my fam to visit. It can be hard. Very hard. Thanks for sharing your story! In time, things get easier and better. Invest in new relationships and things will be better!

Dani said...

Just found you on Eisy Morgan...new follower!

Surprisingly, my husband is suffering from post par...he tore our family apart over the last year (2.5 months after our first daughter was born I moved out) It's been a roller coaster of him wanting help and not wanting help...but he's finally reached out and is starting new meds soon...I hope he has the same healing experience as you!!!

I blog about my life as a single mom due to all this....I hope you stop by!

Elle said...

oh girl, give yourself a break. i cannot even imagine moving two states away from my family and they drive me nuts!!

Lauren said...

Oh my how familiar this sounds. Isn't depression just ridonkulous? I just wrote a post (albeit silly, but still about depression). http://www.renosparksmom.com/2011/11/some-days-you-got-it.html

Just know that you're not alone and it's totally okay to admit that it just plain sucks!

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