Friday, December 16, 2011

It's starting again.....

It's starting again.......
 
the sadness
the desperation
the longing for family
the denial.......
 
It's almost Christmas - that's why. 
 
 This is my 3rd Christmas without family.  Without the thrill of waking up Christmas morning and heading to my parents to open presents and have a yummy brekky made by my dad.  The 3rd Christmas I won't sit around a dinner table with my grand-parents, aunts, uncles & cousins and listen to the same jokes that i've heard for the past 27 years. 
 
It's the 3rd Christmas I didn't want to put a tree up.  The 3rd Christmas I get knots in my stomach leading up to the actual day. 
 
This is the 3rd Christmas that I will try my very best to make the best out of it just for the girls.
 
My birthday is the 26th.  Always made special and we've always gone out to dinner.  Even though we are all still stuffed to the brim from the day before, we always go out for dinner. 
 
This is the 3rd birthday in a row that I won't go out for dinner.  The 3rd birthday in a row that won't be made special for me by my mom.  The 3rd birthday in a row that I won't wake up and have the phone call from my grandparents singing happy birthday. 
 
It's the 16th of December and the decorations are still sitting in the box next to the tree.  The cards I ordered are sitting there and haven't been written in or sent out.  The wreath is there but not on the door.  The left over wrapping paper and scotch tape are there but no presents bought yet to wrap.


 
Denial. 
 
I'm in denial.  If I didn't have kids, I would skip Christmas all together.  I don't enjoy it anymore.  To me it means stress, anxiety and sadness
 
But, I will make the absolute best of it for the girls' sake.  They deserve that and as their mama I will provide that for them.
 
 
 
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12 comments:

Chelsea.Rose said...

I wish SO badly that I could take this sadness from you.. you are such a bright soul and even though I don't know you "irl", it still pains me! You're so honest and it's no nice to relate to you through your blog. Keep your head held high gorgeous, even on the toughest of days. You're an amazing mom and wife and although you're far away and missed, I know your mom and family are extremely proud of you for this! :)

Danielle said...

My heart hurts for you and your sadness! I will keep you in my prayers this holiday season and I hope that you find a passion for Christmas again! I used to live a few hours from my family and friends so I know a smidge of how you feel. I hope it gets better and I'll be praying for you! <3

Diane said...

So sorry! Praying for you that you will find some joy this year and be lifted from this sorrow. Hugs :O)

AbsoluteMommy said...

I want to hop on a plane and celebrate with you!
I want to take you out to dinner!

Also I would feel exactly the same way. I know I'd be sad without family.
I hope you find a way to have a great Christmas and birthday.
Much love and hugs
Megan

Salena @ A Little Piece of Me said...

I can relate to not getting into the christmas spirit. For me it stems from having no money. We are stuck at home while everyone else is busy shopping and attending holiday parties. It's depressing and frustrating. This is the firs time in three years that we have a tree. But instead of a regular size tree my husband got us a mini tree, same size as my 2 yr old. She won't stop knocking it down or dragging it across the floor so it has not been decorated yet. What's the point right?

I'm so sorry you are down. Maybe you and your family need to adjust how you celebrate or what the holidays mean to you right now. Don't push yourself too much but find a way to make it special in your own way.

Aww, Dakota just walked up to me, hugged me and said "mommmy, this is the BEST Christmas ever!!" Just out of nowhere. No presents, no tree, no decorations, no celebrations. My 4 yr old is so sweet. :)

Hang in there Nicole. Take everything one moment at a time and do your best and you will look back one day and see how much you have grown. Love you. HUGS from Hawaii. :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Nicole,

I must say that I absolutely LOVE reading your blog. I always look forward to the next post.

However, it seems as though a large majority of your posts are about how sad and unhappy your are being so far from home and your family. You often say that you do 'it' for the girls and that you will make the best of christmas 'for the girls'. Although very commendable that you put your children first, do you ever ask yourself if one day the will see through it? That they will know deep down inside that you are unhappy and sad and that you are 'pretending'?

If by being so far from your family causes you such sadness, why stay where you are? Why not follow your heart back home?

Anonymous said...

Dear Nicole,

I must say that I absolutely LOVE reading your blog. I always look forward to the next post.

However, it seems as though a large majority of your posts are about how sad and unhappy your are being so far from home and your family. You often say that you do 'it' for the girls and that you will make the best of christmas 'for the girls'. Although very commendable that you put your children first, do you ever ask yourself if one day the will see through it? That they will know deep down inside that you are unhappy and sad and that you are 'pretending'?

If by being so far from your family causes you such sadness, why stay where you are? Why not follow your heart back home?

Jennifer said...

Oh Hun! I'm in tears after reading this cause I am dealing with my first Christmas away from my family and know how you feel. I moved from Ontario (not far from where you lived) to Texas to get married in July. I won't get to see my family for Christmas, I won't get to see them at my wedding in january, and I probably won't see them until all the immigration stuff is taken care of. And thats going to be a year, maybe more.
I'm the oldest of 6 kids, and ever since my parents split I've taken it on myself to make Christmas as cheerful and bright as possible. I'm sadly lacking Christmas spirit this year. There is no Snow! It can't be Christmas without snow :(
I guess all we can do is our best and fake it until we make it.
Know that there are others out there feeling the same way, take some of the pressure off yourself and smile for your girls :) I'll be thinking of you!

Ronni said...

:(

I know you're missing your traditions, but now is the perfect time to make new ones! Easier said than done when you're feeling so sad, though. Is there anything you can think to do with the little ones to help make it more exciting, make it your OWN, so you don't have to miss home quite as much?

I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you.

Erica @ Acire Adventures said...

Nicole, I can't even imagine what it must be like to be so far from your family that you cannot have Christmas with them. It must be so hard.

I think that it would be so helpful to try to find the joy in it. You have a beautiful family of your own and they are enough. It's hard to be happy with life at all if you spend it focusing on what isn't, it blinds you to all the beauty in front of you. I know that I don't know what you're feeling, but your Christmases will never get better until you accept life as it is.

Maybe you could start a new family tradition, something that will be special to your children as they grow and something that will help you focus on that special time with them (instead of who it is without). We find that skype is so nice for special occasions when family can't physically be together, maybe that would be a fun way to help you connect with your family over the holidays?

Anyways, I hope that you can find some peace this holiday season. :)

SKR said...

It could be much, much worse. I don't know you at all but from a quick scan thru your blog, you seemingly have a lot to celebrate. You should enjoy Christmas, for yourself, your girls, your family.. traditions change, families have miles between them, but that shouldn't change anything. You aren't alone and you have a roof over your head, be joyous if only for those reasons alone. Merry Christmas :]

Meg said...

It's tough being far from family at Christmas. I live over a thousand miles away from my family, so I do understand a bit of what your feeling. I hope, with time, that you can create some special memories with your girls. Sending a hug your way :)

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