Monday, September 26, 2011

The reason i'm not pregnant with #3

Hubs and I always said we were having 3 children.  

My pregnancy with Eve was pretty smooth sailing.  I went 2 days over-due with her, had a pretty normal labour until the delivery.  It was rough.  I was close to having a C-Section and in fact they had Hubs change into scrubs because they were pretty sure I was headed back to the OR.  

After over 3.5 hours of pushing and some vacuum assistance, Eve was finally born.  She weighed in at 8 pounds 5 ounces.  Eve was a dream baby.  She slept through the night from 5 weeks, and was so content.  She hardly cried, I could take her anywhere and she would sleep anywhere.  

As you may have read in this post, I struggled with my wight during and after my pregnancy.  But that didn't stop me from wanting a second child.  I knew I was ready and wanted my second baby.  

When Eve was 2, we started trying and it took 16 months and 3 rounds of clomid to conceive Lilah.  I was baffled as to why we were having an infertility issue when it was so easy to have Eve.  Those long 16 months made me want my second child even more.  

(I know to some of you it may not seem that 16 months of trying isn't an "infertility issue", but to us it was, and I do apologize if any of you are struggling to conceive)

In Feb of 2009 we were stoked to find out we were finally expecting our next little peanut.  Near the end of my pregnancy with Eve I got really bad Sciatic problems and from the first day I was pregnant with Lilah the problems came back.  I did Bowen therapy, physio everything you could think of to try and cope with the constant pain and limp I had from the Sciatic pain.

This is a picture of me about 24 weeks pregnant with Lilah;
(I don't have any pictures handy of when I was pregnant with Eve as the old computer crashed)

other than my sciatic problems, my pregnancy was once again smooth sailing.  

This next picture was taken about 24 hours before I had Lilah;

I know - HUMONGOUS!!!

My delivery with Lilah was MUCH different to say the least than Eve's was!.  Total time from first contraction to her delivery was 1 hour and 29 minutes.  Yeah, I know - UNREAL!.  When  you have a delivery like that and just and I mean just make it to the hospital and deliver your baby in an exam room, it kinda scares you!.  I didn't have time for any pain meds, nothing - in fact, I still had 1 pant leg on!.  

But despite Lilah's speedy arrival, she was healthy and perfect

Lilah weighed in at 7 pounds 12 ounces - we don't make em' small ;)

I will never forget the moment my 2 girls met.

It was a moment that made my entire heart melt.  At that moment I felt a sense of complete.  I by no means was thinking about a 3rd child then!.  Not after the chaos of Lilah's delivery!

Lilah was a different baby than Eve.  She was a bit more needy and needed more attention.  She was a sleeping monster!.  She would wake every hour to 2 hours every.single.night. until she was 10 months!.  I didn't have a full nights sleep for over a year!.  She needed a lot more soothing to sleep where as Eve was happy to be wrapped up and put in her crib and she would coo herself to sleep.  

Then the depression set in.  You can read all about that in this post.

It's not fun and it hasn't been an easy road for me.  Moving over-seas, and a baby all within 6 months was traumatic.  I don't think I've recovered from all of that yet.  I lived with my depression for a year - hiding it and hurting myself and the people I love by lashing out and it had to stop.

I'm scared to go back to being pregnant.  I scared of the sciatic flaring up again.  I'm scared of another delivery like Lilah's and i'm scared of the depression.  In fact - i'm terrified  of the depression.  

It's not that I don't want another child, I'm scared to have another child.  I keep hoping that I will be ready at some stage, but as of yet I haven't felt that urge and that itch that needs to be scratched.  I see newborn babies, and have very recently held a newborn baby and while he was beautiful and perfect, I didn't feel that itch.  I felt "thank goodness it's her and not me" feeling.  

I'm scared that all of this has made me resent being pregnant?  I'm unsure really how I feel about it - but I do know that right now I don't feel ready for our 3rd child.  



Lisa said...

Sweet are beautiful pregnant! ~Your babies were small compared to my big ole' boys! lol~
~Lisa @ Organized Chaos

Beth @ Through the Eyes of the Mrs. said...

I can completely relate. My pregnancies were similar in the sense it was pretty easy. I had tough deliveries and can completely understand your fears. It's okay to wait. It's okay to decide you are done. It's all about you and your husband and whats best in the end. xoxo

The Duty's said...

oh girl i know what you mean! i only have had one baby girl, but i had sciatica WAY bad my whole pregnancy, had a TERRIBLE DELIVERY, and got really really depressed after! i'm scared too!! but i know it'll all be worth it in the end! you are tough!!

Stephanie said...

I loved this post... It was so honest and real! I find that as a young, happy (most of the time ;)), married woman a lot of people expect pregnancy and babies... But sometimes it's just nice to stop and enjoy what blessings you do have! Your little girls are beautiful!!

Xoxo, stephanie

Amber said...

I suffered from a severe chemical imbalance after Ethan was born, so I understand that feeling of being scared. For me I talked to my doctor a lot and he assured me that we would moniter it and that it wouldn't happen. When Peyton was born she never slept unless I was holding her, she still cries quite a bit. Less then she use to, but still a lot for a 15 month old. And through all that I remained in a fairly constant bliss considering her and I's very rocky start. I recently have started to get the itch to have baby number three. You will know when its the right time. But if it never comes then that is perfect as well! I know with blogging you can only show what you want to show. But it seems like you are a very confident woman and I am sure you will be happy with your two girls OR a possible third.

xo Amber

Ronni said...

Your pictures were gorgeous. You looked amazing pregnant.

If you don't feel ready to have #3, then by all means, don't push yourself into it. I want your 3rd pregnancy (if you ever decide to do it) to be happy and blessed. I want you to be OK even if the sciatic stuff happens again or whatever... so definitely take your time. It's your family, and only you know what's best for all of you. :)

Sunshine Blossoms said...

Girl, you're amazing. And I think you were a beautiful pregnant woman! We're always most harsh on ourselves. You looked great. I'm sorry you had such a rough time with your last pregnancy and the sciatic problem and that is one crazy delivery! I can completely understand you being scared to have another. They say deliveries are faster every time (although I have also heard stories where that is not always the case, so sometimes that's a good thing) and I can't imagine it much faster than that!
I had a tramatically long labor and a rather difficult little boy, so I'm also still struggling with my desire for another. We only have one child and I absolutely don't want him to be the only one. But it's definitely not something to do when you aren't ready!
Be true to your heart. You seem to be a wonderful mother to the two sweet girls you have already!

Salena @ A Little Piece of Me said...

I know we have talked about this topic before and how I can totally relate to you so I'll skip to how AMAZING you look in all these pics!

My last 4 pregnancies were so traumatic on my body from the moment I conceived, I am so scared of what might happen IF there is a next time.

My PPD hit me hard and I was shocked that after 6 pregnancies without PPD that my 7th it set in.

I think the fact that you know what the problems are before hand will give you a better heads up to prepare for the next pregnancy. You could probably be sent to specialists who can aid you through your pregnancy and make you more comfortable. I know the fear will always be there. Pregnancy and Childbirth is hard on our bodies and no wonder in the pre-medicine days mother's would not survive childbirth. I think people just take for granted that it's human nature to give birth and everything is fine and dandy.... well, it ain't. Must have been a man who said that, right? :)

Being that I have dealt with secondary unexplained infertility for 5 years with medical assistance, it depends on your age, your situation, and your medical history... you can be considered to be in-fertile. Don't apologize. It's your journey and it is what it is.

{{{HUGS}}} to you Nicole!!

Tammy said...

I'm sure if you want a 3rd baby, the time will come when you feel like you are ready again. I was saying for ages that I wouldn't have another baby, but lately I have been thinking it would be nice {although not right now}. When you are ready you will know =)

P.S. You looked great pregnant, I don't think I let anyone take a picture of me when I was, which is a shame, but maybe next time =)

Ms. Burrito said...

You look gorgeous being pregnant! Beautiful kids too.

Katy said...

I can completely relate.

I love how you said you saw your complete family when your girls met.

I feel like 2 children will be our complete family, but I haven't been able to get pregnant again. I want it so badly, but at the same time I am scared.

Brit @ JandMs Eye Candy said...

I love reading your posts because you are so honest and sincere in your writing. Beautiful post, and I know that lots of us moms our here can totally understand and relate to you. Thanks for sharing your heart.

Jazmin @ The Miller's said...

Ohhh I looove your belly pics! You were adorable.

This post is heart warming.

Such a good one.


kyna... said...

I constantly battle with when we should start trying for #2...I know I'm not quite ready yet, but when I read posts like yours, it scares me that it might take a long time to conceive #2 (even though we had absolutely no problems conceiving Ellie), and I think maybe we should start trying right away! Sigh...
♥ Kyna

Kristine @ JandMs Eye Candy said...

Thank you for opening up and sharing your heart. You are one strong amazing momma!!! I appreciate you and your always honest and sincere blog!

Lots of love!

Cat said...

Thanks for sharing! Big hugs. We had 3 kids under 3 for a while and until our youngest was 6 months not a single one of my kids slept through the night. That's 3+ years of sleeping in 2 hour chunks. Yup, I too got PPD pretty bad. But now they all sleep and we're doing well :) It sounds like you are a wonderful mommy, though!! Your girls are precious and you clearly love them tons. Great job!

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