Friday, September 30, 2011

Homesickness


Homesickness looms over me constantly. 

 It's always an elephant in the room.  It takes up my life sometimes, and often takes my breath away.  

I often think "how the heck did I end up here and how has it been over 2 entire years since I have seen my family?".  



  
My parents with Eve


My sister Brooke and I

I never dreamt that I would could miss people so much.  It overwhelms me at times as to how much I can miss someone.  I have never been away from the girls for any length of time, so I never understood.  

Now I do.  I understand.  I understand why my mom was so heart-broken - and still is.  

I would do absolutely anything in this world to hug my mom.  We're close.  I'm closer to her than anyone.  Just the other day I had a "motherly" question and who did I call?...My mom.  My very first instinct is to call my mom - always.

This next picture makes me more emotional than anything;


This picture says a thousand words for me.  I feel the love in this picture.  Eve and my mom are SO close.  They have an unbreakable bond.  I have that bond with my grand-mother, and I feel that with my mom and Eve.  Theres a comfort and sense of home there.  I get SO emotional just looking at this picture.  



This cat is our cat Hope (Hopie).  Hope now lives with my parents and sisters.  I rescued her from a high-kill shelter in 2007.  I couldn't bear leaving her with anyone but family and my parents were gracious enough to take her in.  She's now a very very loved member of their household.  I can't wait until I see her again.

Home to me is these next pictures;


My BFF, Elishia.


A Gingerbread house my sisters built with Eve at Christmas.  Eve took bites out of all the cookies.  


As much as I like the warmer weather here; wearing coats scarves & hats are part of home.  



My sisters and Eve 



Auntie Rachel with Eve at Great Wolf Lodge.  

In May of 2010, my sister Rachel came to visit.  It was the best month that I had had in a long time.  I was going through depression and didn't really realize it at that stage, and it was so uplifting for me to have her here.  Heres a few pictures of when she was here;









I can see the peace I felt then.  I can see it in my pictures.  

When Rachel left, I felt empty.  I think it was worse than when I left Canada.  I felt horrible.  

I'm sorry that this post is all over the place, but that's how I feel tonight.  I feel like my emotions are everywhere and I felt I need to write.  This blog is about me, and you get the good, bad and the ugly.  This is the ugly.  This is my emotional state tonight, and i'm sharing it with you.








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16 comments:

Salena @ A Little Piece of Me said...

Nicole, I wish I could hug you. I cannot even imagine the feelings you must be having. I have lived within 25 miles of my family always. I loved all the pictures you shared, your parents look so down to earth and your sisters look very fun to be around. I love this post. Sharing who you are, the good, bad and ugly is what I love to see. Thanks for always being real. You are the inspiration behind me starting my blog and it's with these types of posts that pulled me in. xoxo Salena

BrandiScardina said...

Mybe I am just overly emotional right now but we are complete strangers yet I cried when I read this. :( I am away from my family too, though not in a different country like you are but I don't get to see them and it breaks my heart. I think I will write a post like this too. thanks for sharing.

Sunshine Blossoms said...

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much. It's always good to talk about things though. My family and I used to live far away from my family (but still in the same country) and that was very hard, so I can't imagine live on the opposite side of the world. I wish I could give you a big hug! Because obviously there's nothing anyone can really say to make you feel better. Sometimes things are just that way.
I haven't been following your blog for too long, so I missed a lot on this subject of moving to Australia... Was it for a job? Are your plans to stay there permanently? I'm sorry if you feel like I'm being too nosey -- You definitely do not have to answer those question if you'd rather not! I'm just curious of the background on this whole thing since you're so unhappy with living this far from your loved ones.
Thank you for your honesty and openness.

Alyssa Jeffers said...

Nicole, I can partly underhand how you feel. I'm from Wisconsin and my hubby's from Okalahoma. We've lived in both states, but no matter where we live we are always away from half our family. I haven't ever gone 2 full years without seeing my family, either they come visit us or we go there, but that's a lot easier when we just live a few states away. We used to even make the drive (13 hours) but now with a little one that's not really possible unless we want to take 3 days to get there! Anyway, it's hard being away from family and it doesn't matter if it's for 10 days, 10 months, or 10 years, it will never be easy. I have a relationship with my Mom much like the one it sounds like you have with yours. I always worry that if we move away again, my kids won't know their grandparents, but like I said they'll never have all their family in one place, so it'll always be that way. Anyway, I hope time heals you and you can find peace with the decision you made to move. Stay strong for your beautiful girls:)

much love, Alyssa

Karen said...

Big hugs to you! It takes a lot of strength and courage and much more heartache to be that far from family. I am so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. I wish I could make it all go away for you.

Munchie's Mama said...

I wish I could hop on a plane right now and come give you a big hug. I am super close with my family and could only imagine how hard living away from them could be for you. I am so sorry you have to feel this way and it is totally to be expected. I am wishing huge success for your blog and etsy shop so you could fly them out to see you anytime you want ;-) It is clear that you have a family full of love no matter how far away they are.

Tabitha said...

I really appreciate this post for the place of honesty and openness you wrote from. It's truly incredible how much family means - something that I can take for granted sometimes because most of my family lives close by. Your post has inspired me to make some plans with them and call the ones who are farther away. I can only imagine the love you share with your family and I bet that they miss you just as much. Take care!

Maureen Polderman said...

Nicole you have such a big heart! Thank you for sharing this side of your story...praying for you today!

Just Another Mummy Blog said...

Nicole, I totally understand this feeling. My mum is my best, best BEST friend, in the whole world. We are so close, it's probably a little weird. My mum and dad moved to England two years ago, and because of money situations and work commitments and life, we have only seen each other once for a week in that time. I miss her everyday, and I know she feels like she is missing out on so much with my beautiful baby girl. I am so lucky to have JUST booked my ticket to England for January. All of January. It's still months away but I am already counting down the days. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I'm praying for ya and hope that the homesickness gives you a little bit of breathing room soon!

Love ya girl! And love your blog!

Sheri said...

Oh Nicole, you are awesome to share that with us, you never know who you might reach, someone that is going through what you are. You aren't alone. I cannot imagine being so far away from my family. Sending you lotsa warm hugs!!! You have amazing photos of your family. And I have to say I adore the gingerbread house with the bites taken out of them. CUTE!! xo

Danyiel said...

Girl, I am right there with you. We just moved at the beginning of the month from Ohio to NC, so a 10 hour drive from my family.

From the time I have graduated HS I have lived all over the place and never thought twice about living wherever no matter how far the distance from family. I'm awesome at staying in touch and keeping the connection going so living away suited it me.

While I was pregnant with my first baby, my husband and I moved back to OH. We then had our second baby while in OH, but OH was not really for either my hubs or I. So we moved to NC, and I am struggling. Really struggling with the distance. It breaks my heart that my kids are not there to go to grandma's for an overnight visit, a trip to the fair or an unexpected drop in visit. When my daughter, who is 3, says she is "goin' to stay and granma's tomarno" it breaks my heart.

My grandma had an incredible roll in my life and I very seriously doubt that I would not be the person I am today without her being there for me. What's even harder is that this was a personal choice for my hubs and I, he works from home and we can go wherever we want and "we" wanted to be by the ocean. It's not like we moved for a job or anything, we just did it. I'm struggling, the kids are and much to my surprise my hubs is a bit too.

The thought of going back isn't out of the question, but it wouldn't be long term it's just not for my husband and I. I wish I could take my family where I want to be. I want my kids to have that special relationship with grandparents and I am beyond worried that they will barely know who they are. My kids are only 3 and 17 months. My daughter get's it and misses them like crazy and I doubt she will forget, but will my little man even know who they are.

I've been sending my nights crying and feeling like I just want to pack our clothes, throw the kids in the car and drive back. It's an internal struggle for me personally and for what is bet for my family.

It broke my heart reading your post and I could have written it myself. Hugs to you and I will send you an invitation to my little "I'm so sad and I miss everyone" party.

Cristina said...

I loved the pictures and the beautiful words you wrote. Never apologize for a post like this one. I am in Alaska and my family is in the midwest. I haven't seen most of them for almost 5 years now. It is the hardest thing. I am hoping to get to visit them soon. I miss them so much. I totally related to your post. I am a new follower from Thursday Friend Cafe. http://www.alaskanbookcafe.com/

Tammy said...

Hang in there girl. It is hard being away from family! Hopefully you can see everyone soon.

I have also suffered through depression...it can bring you lower than anything. Try doing something for yourself every week...it helps even when you don't feel like doing whatever it is.

Thanks for linking up with us for the bloghop. :)

Tammy said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. Although I don't know what it's like, I can imagine it would be horrible to not be able to see them. I hope one day you will be able to overcome the depression =) stay strong.

Jen said...

I appreciate your honesty. I can see how hard it is for you to be away from your family and friends, but I can also see your strength! You're very inspiring.

Camilleta said...

Aww, I love the pics... I know how you feel, my family has become scattered.. And now I have to move away from my mom too, because of my husband job! =(

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