Friday, September 23, 2011

The truth behind my weight

I used to be 145 pounds.  Emphasis on "used"
I used to be able to eat what I wanted without any repercussions on my weight. 
I used to be able to walk into any store and buy a pair of pants that fit like a glove and ones that I felt comfortable in. 

This is not the case anymore.  I was once comfortable with myself and my body but now I hate it.  I love that it has given me 2 healthy children, but I hate the way it now looks.  I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror before and after a shower. 

I do some WIW posts and theres a LOT of pictures that I DON'T show you guys.  I try to keep them from the shoulders up because i'm embarrassed.

Like this next picture I really don't like as it hows my flabby belly.

I try to take pictures at different angles and wear black so I don't accentuate my chubbiness, like this one

I have tried NUMEROUS diets and failed at them all.  I no longer "diet" because in the end I feel like such a failure.  I have succeeded in losing some weight, but nothing significant.

I gained a whopping 60 pounds when I was pregnant with Eve.  I only lost about 30 or so pounds after she was born and maintained that weight for the next 3 years.  Then I got pregnant with Lilah and put that 30 pounds back on.  Once I had her I lost the 30 or so pounds again and have been somewhat fluctuating ever since. 

The thing is....I know how to lose weight.  I know what to do.  I know I need to eat better, and smaller portions.  I know I need to exercise more.  I could quite possibly write a book on weight loss, but I can't manage to follow anything. 

It's as if once someone or something says I can't have it - that's precisely when I want it.  If you tell me I can't have a piece of bread, that's exactly what I'm going to eat.

I know losing weight is all about Lifestyle - and I need to make that change.

What have you done to lose that weight and what changes did you make?


Salena @ A Little Piece of Me said...

Nicole, I admire your bravery and your honesty. I am in the same boat. I've tried a lot of diets, for me the only thing that worked was South Beach Diet and The Carb Addicts diet. I added those after I started working out at Curves. All of a sudden I was losing 2-4 lbs a day/week. I lost 50 lbs and kept it off for 2 years... 4 pregnancies, 3 kids and 8 kids later I put all of it and more back on especially after my Mirena fail and having my gallbladder removed. My weight shot up after those 2 events in my life. I know what I need to do but I can't follow anything. I can't even make a routine or schedule for my daily routines, it stresses me out and causes anxiety... same with excercise and eating right. The pressure kills me. I have been thinking of doing a page tab on weight loss and trying to go publicly and see if that will motivate me. For the record, I think you look fabulous in your pictures and the black sweater look is great. It's not about hiding what you don't like, it's about accentuating what you have with the right types of clothes. Sometimes we just need to dress differently for our body type. :)

Erica K. said...

For me, exercise is key! If you are exercising a lot you and (can almost) eat whatever food you want (with some moderation). I lost 15 lbs by simply doing spin classes 3-4 times a week, and I swear by it.

You are so beautiful Nicole, don't be down and out! Hang in there, knuckle down, and be positive you sexy lady!!! :) xox

Ashley @ said...

Have you tried Weight Watchers? Hands Down easiest "diet" ever. I gained 60 lbs when I was pregnant for each of my boys. I would lose as much weight as I could on my own but when I felt like I had done allI could by myself I joined WW and it gave me the extra push.

Im not currently enrolled in WW but if I gain 4-5 lbs I always go back to different techniques/recipes that I learned through them.

Its super easy and sometimes just what a mom needs(I didnt exercise after either baby, I just cant get into it). You should also check out Hungry Girl. All her recipes are REALLY easy and she converts all her recipes to WW points.

Good luck!

Ashley @

Camille said...

I used to be 168-170, so I understand. I haven't had any kids but I'm sure after I do my weight will fluctuate like crazy. Right now I'm 145 but you will never REALLY be happy with it-- my thighs still look flabby and I still need to work on my tummy.

Point is, I think you're gorgeous, and I'm not just saying that. You're such a cute mommy and you have two kids and you STILL look fabulous! Lose weight to be healthy but don't lose it because you think you have to, because you are too cute. I love that first picture because you look happy and pretty and colorful! :)

Valerie said...

I am in the same boat, though no pregnancies just lazy. I got married last November and since then have gained 18lbs! I have to say I do enjoy WW, I have had a lot of Success with it before. It's eating what you want but makes you accountable for it.

Recently I stumbled onto Her recipes follow WW and they actual taste great!!! She has A facebook page too. I used to follow Hungry Girl but she uses odd ingredients and it got expensive.. Skinny Taste uses regular ingredients. Good Luck!!

JeaFunky said...

I am reading this as it seems to be my own words from my life. I am in the same boat. I couldn't have put the words together any better. I have two beautiful children but have never been able to recover from it.
I just got back from a family vacation with people that really know how to get you in the core of your soul and I have vowed never to let these people make me feel this way.
I'm not sure how I'm going to achieve it, but I promise myself I am going to care enough about me, to make a change and actually learn to love me. My only problem right now is my 12-hr work days. I can't seem to find the energy to work out when I get home and we eat dinner as a family which means its 8pm before eating, which is part of the problem.
I don't really have the money to throw on diet plans, so I am going to just have to figure this out on my own. Good luck to you on your journey of self love, as my journey is going to a long, taxing struggle to do this the right way, and not pass this curse on to my children.

Stephanie said...

What a great post! Weight is something that I struggle with on a daily basis... it's like I can set my mind to do anything else EXCEPT the things I need to do to lose weight. Sigh! I just started Weight Watchers again and am hoping to stick with it. So I will keep you updated! :)

PS: whenever you post you're WIW posts I'm so jealous because I always think that you look so cute... I wish I could pull off your style!

Linz said...

You are not alone in your story or in your pain. We all face this, the realization that after having a baby, our body will never be the same. I just had my 3rd, and I have moments when I wish I had the energy/time/motivation to work out more so I don't feel this way! The thing is, we are our own worst critics! We need to realize that our bodies are beautiful and powerful! Only you have the power to accept yourself and love yourself, or to change. While i haven't followed your blog for very long, I simply adore you! And I know that many others do as well!

Texas Tanners said...

You are GORGEOUS friend!! That being said, I know all to well as do most of us what you are feeling. I have struggled with weight since giving birth to my oldest when I gained 70 lbs and have never lost it. When I had my youngest I gained 20, but lost that immediately. the oldest turns 8 today and yet I still have that "baby weight" with me. I started a lifestyle change in Jan and was doing awesome until some devastating news shook my family. Since then I have been trying to find my motivation and it is gone. A friend recommended the Made to Crave book which is a Christian view point and while it is inspiring I am still eating all the wrong foods.

Know that you are not alone in your struggles and know that SO many women out there including me look at your WIW posts and think "Man, I wish I looked that good". Sending Hugs your way!!

Maureen Polderman said...

You just wrote the post I couldn't! I struggled with a starvation/binge eating cycle all through highschool, and into college. I feel like it's starting again...
I was able to lose all 50 lbs I gained with my pregnancy through WW and lots of walking (and the benefit of nursing!). But I still have the college 15 and marriage 10 I want to lose.

I've been trying to just eat smaller portions, choose lots of fiber, veggies, and fruit...and not restrict myself. It's about choices, each one is going to be good for us or not. Being honest is freeing too! It removes that lonely guilt feeling...just remember you are GREAT!! It's about health, not looks =) And btw, I think your outfits look fab!

This Is How We Do It said...

Well, I think you look great and besides that you are very inspiring and I look forward to your postings. I've been reading for several months and your inner beauty really shines through. I love that you are human and not afraid to put your real 'You' out there.

Here's what I've found about losing weight FWIW: I love cooking & food so I know I needed something to offset that. I found an activity that I loved. For me it's Zumba and I forced myself to do it at least a few times a week for a month. Now, it's a habit because I don't want to miss having so much fun with my Zumba Diva friends. It's a lot easier when it's something you enjoy. Working out just for weight control is hard. So, go play soccer with your kids, rollerskate, dance, run, whatever. Just find something you can see yourself doing and actually liking. Don't set a huge goal of doing it everyday for 2 hours, because that is setting yourself up for failure. Set a reasonable time that you CAN do and it will be a lot easier.

Nicole said...

Well I guess I am at the other end of the pool. I have suffered with unknown digestive problems over the past couple years. I have lost a significant amount of weight and I was quite tiny to begin with. I have to shop in the kids section and people think its okay to tell me how skinny I look. Its not in a you look great way, but you look sick way. I never hear people come up to other people and say "my you are so fat!" but it seems to be okay if you are too skinny.

Those words make me feel horrible! I know how you feel even though its not exactly the same thing.

Jade Steckly said...

I am another HUGE vote for weight watchers. I'm on it right now and love it. I love it because it's not a "diet". It teaches you how to eat real, regular food eat for the body you are going to have :D

Thanks for sharing this inspiring post!
Oh, my ww stats:
7 weeks later 180
Goal: 150

I have only lost 10 pounds in 7 weeks because I'm breastfeeding, but most people lose 1-2 pounds a week, so it can go alot faster

good luck!

highheels2flipflops said...

You continue every day to inspire me. You are so honest and always use your experiences to help others. I am struggling with the exact same thing. People might say I look good but I know different. There are so many things that bother me about my body after having kids. I would not change it for anything though. I just need to work hard to change what I can. But I am unmotivated. I like food too much. Ah, my constant struggle! Thanks so much for sharing yours!!! xoxo

RaeBeth said...

I haven't personally tried it... Weight Watchers... but a close friend of mine has. She's did an amazing job at loosing weight and keeping it off.

I am doing a post today on her success on my blog. Keep an eye out for her amazing success story and pictures.

Megan Wynn Volnoff said...

Number One: You're beautiful!
Number Two: I must keep this short due to morning sickness..

Number Three: I am in the same boat as you and have a similar figure (pre pregnancy) as you. I never decided to lose weight. I decided to dress to hide it. I invested in spanx, higher waisted pants, and wore my belts at the smallest part of my waist. I lost ten virtual pounds just by doing this. My husband loves a little chub, and discouraged me from losing weight. In order to make myself feel confident I did these things. Also, the wider the band on a pair of pants, the less likely you are to roll over; I learned this the hard way. I also learned ways to contour my cheek bones with a little bronzer to slim up my face. There are plenty of tutorials on you tube.

Feel comfortable in the skin you are in! Are bodies are beautiful no matter waht!

Good luck!

Keep your chin up!

*The Mrs*

Tiffany said...

I lost 8 pounds in 10 days doing a juice fast (the only thing I had was freshly juiced fruits and veges) I feel great but know I cannot keep up with it. Especially fixing meals for my family and not enjoying the fruits of my labor.

Munchie's Mama said...

Please know that you are not the alone! I don't think there is a woman alive who wouldn't jump at the chance of changing something about her body, me included. You are so brave to share. Motivation and will power are my down fall as well. When I reached my platue after having Dylan I did the paleo diet and lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks and never felt better...I didn't stick with it, but kept the weight off. You basically only eat lean meat, fresh veggies, fruit and nuts. I felt so good inside and out while doing it. I told myself that I would only do it for 1 week and if I liked it maybe I would do another week. Setting a short term goal for myself really helped my will power. I figured, I could do anything for just 7 days. My hubby and I are actually going to start it again next week to try to get those last lingering baby lbs. off. Hang in there, set short goals, and don't beat yourself up about little slips.

Allison said...

You are so not alone. And go you for posting this. I think its such a real issue for women and moms yet no one wants to act like it exists. What works for me? Eat clean when I can. I also eat about every 3 hours. Workout AFTER bambino is in bed. And Sunday=Cheat Day.

I make mistakes...almost weekly. But we just have to learn from them and change tomorrow/our next meal/our attitude with them.

Jenae @ Wildflower said...

I haven't done any special diets...but I did watch my calories really closely for a month and only ate 1200-1500 calories a day but thats without excerise then I signed up for my first 5k and trained! I got into running and walking a lot. I gained about 80 pounds with each kid and its been 2 years since I have had D and I finally only have 5 to 10 more pounds to loose. im still working on eating like you and eat whatever im not suppose to and I grew up eating a lot of breads and pasta's so thats what I know how to make...its hard to just change your lifestyle but I do think it can be just have to find some sort of motivation...for me it was running a 5k and being signed up to run really kept me motivated. you can do it chica! just find something to motivate you and do it for yourself.

Christina said...

I 100% know how you feel. I so need to find motivation. I can lose weight, it's just keeping the ball rolling. You know what I mean??

On a different note, I think you're super cute!

Meesh said...

Nicole, you are awesome!! Love this post because I am mostly in the same place... but I have no kids to say that is why I at least gained some or part or at any point lol. This was all me!! It is so hard! I lost 20 pounds for my wedding... but halfway through my honeymoon I had added on about 10 of those and 6 months later I am right back where I started! :(

The key really is moderation and exercise!! Hard to do I know!! Best of luck!! :)

ASingleMothersJourney said...

I still think you look great! It's good that you're comfortable enough with yourself to share this with everyone. It's inspiring because we may not have the perfect image but being able to admit our flaws is perfect.

Just Another Mummy Blog said...

Thank you for being brave enough to post a picture of yourself that you hate. I am ALWAYS behind the camera since having our baby because I hate how my body has changed. I haven't looking in a mirror in 6 months, and I have a running monologue of "you're fat, you're fat, you're fat" in my head. You have given my the courage to confront that.

I think you're gorgeous by the way.

The Crafted Sparrow said...

I see you and I have similar posts! :) Mines still in the writing process thoug! It's a tough struggle isn't it. Currently I'm at 290, that's after 2 kids...being married to a mexican man that knows how to cook & works for PF CHANGS, and having PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). All awesome combinations for weight loss right!!! Nope...EPIC FAIL! I recently just started weight watchers again, I HAVE to do something for my kids and myself. I hate the way I feel in my skin. I don't always feel 290 pounds or think I look to be 290 pounds until I see a picture, or my pant zipper busts! I'm just praying this time I actually suceed, I've tried before and failed. I can't keep failing...I see how happy my son gets when I tell him Mommy lost 5 pounds and can button my pants finally! I have to do it for them! And for heavens I don't have to shop in plus size clothing anymore! The selection sucks and they are expensive. :)

Tammy said...

I know exactly how you feel! I was the same before I got pregnant, and now I can't stand my body, and I have tried to lose it but it hasn't worked. I know one day I will, and it is slowly happening, but just not as quick as it used to. I have just been trying to get a bit more exercise in a week, and drinking more water, especially a glass of water before a meal. Half the time when people think they are hungry they are actually thirsty. I am actually really bad at drinking water, especially out of glasses, so I have been trying to carry a water bottle everywhere {around the house, school, work} keeps the 'hunger' away and I find I eat less than what I normally would.

Tammy said...

p.s. you are beautiful =)

Donna said...

Thanks for sharing your post. I didn't really gain my weight from having a baby. I actually lost weight when I was pregnant and after because I cut back on wine drinking. I gained bunches of weight going back to work as a catering manager at a large corporate account. Hello, Food! I sit on my butt on the computer all day and have tempting food everywhere. I,too, know what to do but I haven't done it. I don't go to the gym and my excuse of late is I want to spend time with Aurora after I pick up from preschool. The one diet lifestyle thing I tried lately that worked was South Beach. I think I probably should go on it again.

Kristine @ JandMs Eye Candy said...

You are beautiful inside and out and I appreciate your bravery and sharing your inner thoughts!! You inspire me! You hit it right on the head tho! Lifestyle change! Is really the (healthy) way to go! You can do it, I know you can!! You are one amazing strong momma!! Keep rockin on!!

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