Friday, November 4, 2011

Lately I...

...have been feeling worn out and worn down.

As you may or may not know is that I struggle with depression.  Depression is not a choice  - it's a clinical disease.  





I didn't choose to be depressed.  It happened.  I recognized it and spoke to my doctor about it.  She recommended medication and I have been on medication for a year.  I can only hope and trust in my heart that one day I will be better and be able to live life without the dependency of medication.  Read this post please.  That post explains a lot about how my life is right now if you're new here.  

I don't write this post easily.  This is tough for me.  Some of you may have already clicked off this post, but my true readers and friends will stick it out and read until the end.  

Theres a lot of things that have led to my depression.  Moving overseas in 2009 at 20 weeks pregnant with a 3 year old, quiting my long time job, leaving my friends and family have definitely contributed to my depression.  Read this post to get acquainted on how I came about living overseas.  

I left my family.  A family that is close.  Honestly, typing that makes me shutter.  






This is the perfect definition of my family.  We may not be perfect or as "ethical" as others, but we are accepting of others and treat them as if they are our own.  We would never dream of making them feel like an outcast.  We would never make them feel as if they are beneath us or question their morality.  That's just not the way our family works.  

It kills me each and every single day that I can't be close to my family.  I miss that feeling of closeness each and every Sunday as we sit around the dinner table. 




I read this quote and it brings me to tears.  I hope this is not true.  I know that when I see my family again it will be as if not 1 second has past since I saw them last.  I have a best friend.  Her name is Elishia.  You can read all about her and our friendship here.  

I believe theres people that "get" you and theres people that "tolerate" you because they have to.  

My family and my best friends "get" me.  They don't judge.  They don't stab me in the back.  They appreciate me for me with all my flaws.  They love me for my flaws.  They understand me.  With them I am part of a family.  I will always be. 

Unfortunately with some others I am not.  I am judged.  I am not appreciated.  I am not accepted.  



I wish some people could grasp this saying.  I wish my apology was enough sometimes.  I wish some people could apologize and mean it. 

I am not perfect.  I am stubborn sometimes.  At times I am not the easiest person to get along with.  But I need to be loved.  Things haven't been easy for me, and sometimes I need a bit more appreciation and understanding.  

I can't be strong all the time.  I am human too, and need love.  I need to feel part of something.  I am on my own. I have learned to make it on my own and be the absolute best I can be for my girls.  To some that is not enough and I face some different opinions on how I raise my girls.  

Sometimes I don't need your opinion, I need your love, understanding and nurturing.  


I can't change people.  This has taken me a long time to learn.  I need to accept people the way they way they are and move on. 

I am such a nurturing person and want to make everyone happy.  I can often come across as "controlling" because of this.  I want everyone to be happy even if it means putting myself out.  

I have faith that I will be ok.  I have faith that I can't change things, and that it is ok.  

I make the choice right now that I want to be in better place.  I want to be rid of all the negativity in my life.  Theres a lot of negativity in my life that I just can't avoid.  BUT, I can make the choice to ignore it and be the best I can be for my family and my girls.  

I make the vow right now, to all 600 and something of you, to not let other people dull my sparkle.  


22 comments:

Salena @ A Little Piece of Me said...

Nicole, I am sorry you are feeling down and depressed. I can relate to you in that area, you know that. I also am a nurturer and want to take care of everybody and their needs and never thing twice about putting myself last. This sets people like us up to be hurt and because we are so involved and invested, it can leave deep hurts and scars. It's not easy to move on and sometimes that's okay. Sometimes things like this happen so we are lead in the direction we should be which is not where we are at. I don't see anything wrong with this post. I love it and embrace it as your heart thoughts that need to be expressed. I love you for your realness and your raw honesty. This is you and how you feel... I love you for it. xoxo

Sarah {the fontenot four} said...

Thank you and I love you for sharing your heart. I feel like what you wrote could have easily been written by me! Except I didn't move overseas...just from Canada to Texas and then to South Carolina. All my close family is in Canada. I feel like I'm missing out all the time. I do struggle with depression and have been on meds for several months. You can pop over to my blog and catch up on what that's all about (if you haven't already). Lots going on. But...all that said...I really appreciate you being real. There's nothing I can't stand more these days than to read blogs that are portraying something that the person is not in real life. Thanks for sharing and for being so candid.

Chrissy @ Boerman Ramblings said...

thanks for being open friend. hoping things look up soon i struggle too with depression. and God will get us through it all! Love you!

Jess@Diary of a SAHM said...

Depression sucks. I know from experience.

Big hugs to you. Don't let anyone, not even depression dull that sparkle!

Cat said...

Big hug! I am sorry that you are having this struggle. It's something that runs in my family, too (I had a nasty bout of PPD with my last baby and it's just crippling!) and I'm proud of you for seeking help. I am sorry that you are in a situation that is so hard on you - I really hope that things get better for you soon - and remember that you are lovely just the way you are, no matter what other people tell you! (I know that's much easier said than done, but it's true!)

Bethany said...

Great post. My little bro is bipolar and I'm a huge advocate for speaking about emotional and mental disorders! You are brave and I commend you for it!

Beth @ Through the Eyes of the Mrs. said...

I'm so sorry I think that depression is something that many of us deal with. I just cannot even begin to imagine the pain you have with being away from your family. I'm sure it is always weighing heavily on you. I'm glad to hear that you are going to continue to sparkle because you are such a beautiful and strong person! xoxo

Jen@ADropintheBucket said...

Thank you for being honest, and if you lose any followers for doing just that, then they are people you didn't need following you in the first place! Thanks for sharing your heart. I feel like I can understand where you are coming from. Having moved overseas at 23 weeks pregnant with an almost 2 year old to a foreign speaking country I am pretty sure that I spent most of the last year in a depression of some sort. Now that we have moved to Scotland it feels a bit better, but only time will tell. My thoughts are with you, it must be very hard, especially when you may not be sure when you will be able to move back to that family that you are so close to.

Camille said...

I relate to this so much and I teared up reading this. I have OCD and general anxiety with depressive tendencies. I related to so much of what you said (really, you sound a lot like me, haha) and I just hope you know that there are people who care (I don't know you but I care, promise) and will listen to you if you need someone to talk to. Keep your chin up. Talking about the feelings always helps so you're definitely taking a step in the right direction. You're in my thoughts, and I hope you feel happy soon...you deserve it. And you're pretty and you're a good person so definitely don't ever let anyone dull your sparkle. BIG hugs. :)

Angie said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I struggle with the same issues and have been on medication for depression for many years. I love your last quote. What a great way to put things in perspective. I know you will be able to pull through this. You are inspiring.

Elizabeth said...

What a moving post! I may be new to your blog, but I definitely stuck it out until the end. I too have suffered from depression... for me it has been since about 2000. It is super hard to talk about and sometimes it seems like people really don't understand. I stopped taking meds in 2003 for it, so have faith, I'm sure that one day you'll be able to as well! I still struggle with depression at times, but like you, the support of my family and best friends definitely keeps me strong! You seem like such a strong woman that I already know that you can do this and that you'll be a better and stronger person after having gone through this! XOXO

Jennifer said...

I know how you feel when you moved away from your family. I did too, though it wasn't a far move it was the hardest thing to do. At one point I packed my bags and moved back home. I struggle with being away from them till this day. Its been 6 years since I've moved, and I have gone back to see them, they've come to see me. But I hate not having them here with me on a daily basis. I miss their support. I am so so sorry you are going through this. Keep your head up. and if anyone unfollows you, they weren't true supporters of yours xoxo

The Pettijohn's said...

Been there done this. I feel for you and if you need someone to talk to anytime my email address is christine.pettijohn@yahoo.com. I managed to come out of mine without meds but it was hard and once I started putting myself first it made a big difference. Hope it gets better.

Christine

Munchie's Mama said...

It takes so much courage to write a post so personal as this. I know that this will help others who are going through similar situations to be stronger. I admire your strength and appreciate you and all that you do. You are a wonderful person Nicole. Keep up the *Sparkle*

Ronni said...

Thank you for being brave and for sharing your story with us. The more people I see share, the less I feel bad or ashamed of *my* depression.

Amber said...

I totally agree with you on everything you have said. I have struggled with chemcial imbalances my whole life. They are definatly NOT a choice. When I get really upset that I just find it so hard to be happy. My husband reminds me that I need to stop thinking about it soo much and ''stop looking at the car accident'' as he says, meaning if I stare hard enough at where I don't want to go, I will eventually end up there. This doesn't work all the time, but its encouraging to know that one day possibly things will be better.

I have a huge problem with playing the what-if game much more then I should, and worrying about what might have been, had I done such and such differently. Its comforting to know that I am not alone in this.

Thank you for sharing, and being so brave!

xoxoxo Amber

Carsedra said...

Thank you for sharing this!! This will surely help someone that is dealing with depression for whatever reason.

I also know about the depression, I really battled with it for a while and still have my moments now. For me it was always having the feeling of not being good enough, low self esteem, lack of love for self, feelings of inadequacy. It would take something small to trigger those feelings and I would withdraw and for days be depressed. I am ALOT better these days (no meds needed thankfully), but those moments do sometimes still come, but I know how to deal with it better than I did before!!! :-)


Carsedra of:

http://embracingtherealme.blogspot.com/

http://sweets4yourtooth.blogspot.com/

Mandi@MandiBeingCrafty said...

This is a beautiful post. I went back and read a few posts leading up to this one. I am heart broken by the fact you are so close to your mom and have to be so far away. I always wished I had a relationship with my mom like that. Depression is hard. I struggled with it for a few years. It is hard for people to understand when they haven't lived with it. It isn't a sickness you can just 'get over'. It takes ALOT of work. And most of the time you just are too tired, sad, devastated to do it. I am a new follower and look forward to reading your posts!

Cherished Events said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. I can completely relate to missing family. There is an ocean separating me from my family. It's been many years since I left "home" but I find for myself it's been really tough since having children but it makes those visits that much more special. Sending you hugs! I think this was a very brave and honest post that will reach many.

Jamie said...

I love the honesty of this post.

Emily said...

What a great attitude. Good luck keeping your sparkle! :-)

Olivia said...

This is a beautiful post. Thank you for being so open and honest, I don't see too much of this on blogs and it is always refreshing for people to see that they are not alone, I do not suffer from depression but I bet some of your readers do, by writing this post you are helping others as well as helping yourself - so awesome!!! I will be praying for you!

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