Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Life without my mother

Is tough.

I can't lie and sugar coat it.  It's not easy.  It doesn't get easier either.  You would think as time passes and years pass without being close to her that it would get easier, but sadly it doesn't.

When I left Canada, I broke.  Leaving my mom behind as she cried to break her heart broke me.  2 years and 5 moths later I am still that broken woman.  It is not always obvious and "broken" is not always the first thing I feel when I fall out of bed these days but on the inside, i'm still smashed to bits and broken.  At any given moment on any given day I can take myself back to June 3rd, 2009 and feel that pain.  I don't just remember it, I feel it.  I can practically taste it.  It's woven into the fabric of who I am now.  

Those last couple of weeks of being with my mother are so bittersweet.  It was like watching the death of someone as I watched her mask her grief and sadness about us leaving.  I want to hang onto those last weeks of being with my mom.  I could practically still smell her weeks after arriving in Australia.  I was still close then, now it seems so far away.

So I guess the point of this post is that as cheery and upbeat things can seem, I am broken inside.  After 2 years and 5 months I am still that broken person - i've just learned how to mask it.  





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9 comments:

Erica {My Two Roads} said...

I SO get this.... You are lucky that you are a Mommy and can appreciate everything your own Mommy did for you!! Not much longer...you will be visiting home before you know it!!! Love you xo

Momma Bird said...

what a beautiful thing to be so close to your mother. thank you for once again pouring out your heart. i'm so sorry that you are so sad :( i can't imagine living somewhere your whole life and then moving half way across the world. stay strong sweetie :) you're doing great.

KERRY said...

Sorry to hear you feel this way so often Nicole. It's hard and it hurts when you miss someone :(
The love you have for your mum is admirable, she's lucky to have you.
Keep smiling :)

Debby said...

((((((HUGS)))))

The Pettijohn's said...

Sending hugs your way. I can relate to this post and it is hard.

Just Another Mummy Blog said...

My mum is across an ocean from me too, so I can completely relate to this. My mum is my best friend and she has missed so much of Aislynn's first year and I know she's going to miss a lot more too. I hate it. And somedays, the days when all my friends talk about how nice it is to have their family close by, the only thing that keeps me going without punching them in the mouth is this thought, *I get to see my mum in January. For a WHOLE MONTH!*

Stay strong, lady friend! You are not alone in feeling this way!

EvA. . . said...

hello my name is evelyn and i found you through Cinsarah. Love your blog and now your newest follower:) Im sorry to hear that you miss your mom so much! i know what that feels like. Im in California and my mom lives in Mexico and it was so hard leaving her. Even though i still do, I've gotten used to it. Personally it just took time:) God bless you!

Ashley said...

I'm sorry. I can't even imagine what that feels like. My mom and I are super close and I am sure that I would feel such a void if we weren't near each other. {hugs}

Kourtney said...

I'm so sorry...

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